2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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