Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
