sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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