What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
