how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
