3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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