Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
