i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
