My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
