Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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