ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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