Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
