You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
