your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Don't make out with my wife yet
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize