i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
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