"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
only you would photoshop your dick
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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