Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
