Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
