Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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