the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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