everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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