I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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