If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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