when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
