Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
