Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
