grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
