There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
