I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
