I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
