I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
