I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
