it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I think my moral compass just broke
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
