Soap is not a condiment
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
