So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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