The maid of honor just puked.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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