I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
