got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
