I'd wear matching sweaters with you
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
