I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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