new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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