So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
