she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
