Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize