we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
