i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
