I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
