Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
