I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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