Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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