Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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