Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
where are you?
Hypothermia
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
