she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
