is your mom at the bar?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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