giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
