If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
