dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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