well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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