FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
