I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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