I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
